A few words about the afghan/lapghan/WTF.
September 10th, 2007
Well, it may not be getting any easier to knit, but at least I’m getting better at tracking down and fixing the mistakes.
This all began because I had a anxiety/depression-prompted nervous breakdown in November and abruptly went on medical leave–which left me at home in a drug-induced haze, eye-hand coordination-challenged and unable to concentrate on much for more than a few minutes at a time. (I’m sorry I haven’t shared this before now, but I wanted to be on firmer footing mentally and emotionally before I addressed it here. You’ll find out more in my column in the fall issue of Knitty.)
Several drug combinations later, it was late January and I had started seeing the many lovely ripple afghans being crocheted everywhere. Flying in the face of all common sense, I bought the book, I bought up a metric tonne of Cotton Fleece in all the right colours, I started making the endlessly long foundation chain for the first row…and for the life of me I could not count the stitches properly. So I couldn’t actually begin the afghan. For a person of relatively normal sanity, this awakening might have taken a few hours. For me, if was over a week. Caution: Genius at work!
Fast forward to the summer and I was well on the road to recovery and in the process of being reintegrated back into my workplace. I would sit in my craft room at home and look guiltily at All That Cotton Fleece but I still didn’t have the gumption to go back to chaining, counting and working the first row. I felt that I’d been kicked off that particular horse, and wasn’t going to try to get back on for a while yet.
It was then that I remembered feather-and-fan. Wasn’t feather-and-fan kind of…wavy? Couldn’t I just knit myself a wavy afghan?
Now, I had never knit anything with this motif, but I did remember Stephanie or Ken or Jen or Maria or someone (they’ve all blurred into one giant multi-armed, multi-needled, multi-gendered uber-knitter by this point) mentioning how much they hated feather-and-fan. So in the topsy turvy world of David in Wonderland, this meant I had to try it. I looked over the instructions: two rows of knit, one of purl, one row of yo’s and k2tog’s in an 18-stitch repeat, how bad could it be?
Ohhhhh, you’d be surprised. I certainly was.
One problem is that, if you’re used to grid-like lace patterns the way that I am, the curves of the waves in this motif really throw you. Your yarnovers don’t look like they’re lining up, your k2tog’s look like they’re either too many or too few, you often don’t discover your inadvertant increases or decreases for as many as four stupidly long rows, and you recall that six (stitches knit in three pairs of k2tog) six (knit one-yarnovers) six (more stitches knit in three pairs of k2tog) is the Number of the Beast. It’s a good thing I’m medicated.
That said, I’ve made some progress. Some. Wheee. I’ll take another pic soon, and post it when I get a moment. Try to hold back your excitement till then.
Oh, and as always, if you’ve found your way over here because of my Knitty column, thank you and welcome. Mi casa su catástrofe, or words to that effect.
16 Comments Add your own
1. Steph F. | September 11th, 2007 at 12:02 am
oh.. I am so glad you are feeling better. I hope that’s not presumptuous to say.
2. Naomi | September 11th, 2007 at 3:20 am
I’m glad you’ve been able to find solace in your knitting. I know I have a lot more trouble tuning out the suicidal thoughts when I’m not making time for knitting, and I’m so glad you found a med regimen that allows you to function.
Happy knitting!
Naomi
3. david_demchuk | September 11th, 2007 at 6:33 am
Thank you Steph and Naomi! No, it’s not presumptuous to say that I’m feeling better–where I’m at now is a vast improvement over where I was a year ago. There are still good days and bad days, but even the bad ones are nothing like an ordinary day last October.
I should note two things quickly: I am finding solace in my knitting, but it took quite a while for me to be able to do so because of the side effects from my early med combinations. So if anyone else is going through this and is feeling frustrated, I can only say ‘Be patient’. I know it’s easier said than done, but it really is the key for a lot of things.
Also, and I can’t stress this strongly enough, no one medication or combination is right for everyone, and for many people medication is not the answer at all. I don’t want to come off as this huge advocate for Big Pharma. Just because I found something that worked for me, it doesn’t mean that everyone who’s feeling anxious or depressed should run to their doctor yelling “Pills pills pills!” My anxiety/depression were largely work-related, but the root cause was biochemical and had been in evidence since my early years. If your dark feelings are more situational, you might find therapy to be much more useful (and much less difficult for your body) than any drug. Just saying!
4. Kristina | September 11th, 2007 at 8:05 am
I’ve been an avid reader of the blog for a few years and I’m still captivated (and looking forward to the new Knitty!). I wanted to thank you for talking about your anxiety/depression on the blog though. My doctors started medicating me for depression (and it’s made a world of difference) this summer and when I tell people about it they make me feel so ashamed and inadiquite. Thank you for talking about it in a non-derogatory manner, and helping get through to people that it is a REAL medical problem. Good luck with the feather and fan, I hate that pattern.
5. Nichole D. | September 11th, 2007 at 8:09 am
Yeah- my feeling on F&F is the same. It seems so simple, yet it really is a bit maddening. I never thought about the sets of 6 thing, though…
6. marjorie | September 11th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
I’m so glad that you are feeling better. My dh has been through depression and it was so hard to see him suffering. It really needs to be treated, like any other illness, but I think there are still a lot of people who think the ill person should just “get over it, cheer up” etc., and that being treated with drugs or receiving psychiatric help is something to be ashamed of. Why is it so much easier for people to accept a physical illness or injury, than a mental one?I hope things continue to go well with you.
7. david_demchuk | September 11th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
Thank you Kristina and Nichole (and a special thanks for your f&f condolences!). Marjorie, I have to admit that I was one of those people who didn’t take depression as seriously as I should have–and never allowed myself to see that it was part of what had been troubling me since childhood.
Until I asked for medication myself, I had always imagined people who needed drugs were somehow weaker than those who self-managed their illness in other ways. Of course I now know differently.
It’s that “Until you walk a mile in their shoes…” thing, except that it took all my effort to look down at my own feet to see that they were already in those shoes, and had been walking miles in them for years while I was in considerable denial.
8. Trish | September 12th, 2007 at 12:12 pm
Glad you got help and found something that works. Depression really sucks- I”ve been there too. And I wish I had done something sooner too. But I couldn’t see it and no one said anything. It’s a brain disease, and medication can help, as it can with pneumonia or diabetes.
9. Laura Sue | September 13th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
We have a group in Ravelry for knitters with depression/anxiety. It’s called “One Stitch at a Time.” I love that name. The meds vs other techniques discussion is ongoing. I found that until I had the medication working I couldn’t hold it together well enough to do anything else. It was my first step out. Glad to have you back.
10. filambulle | September 13th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
I have always apreciate your colums on knitty, and came here each time to see and learn a bit more about you. This time I delurk, because I just wanted to send you a bunch of xo all the way from Switzerland.
Blogland helps me sometimes too. But other times it makes me feel just more lonely. Recently I talked about my lonelyness and sadness (in a life full of hapiness and loving people and children). I was hesitant to express such personal feelings online. But then it helped me. I felt stronger and relieved to aknowledge my feelings.
I short: I am happy that you are getting better. and I had big troubles the last time I tried F&F. I am too envious of all those rippled afgans, but I will act as if they where totally out of style and not for me…
xo from switzerland!
Manuele
11. Magi | September 13th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
God bless - life is precious
12. bstewart23 | September 13th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
I’m not sure whether to apologize or not, but you’ve been tagged: http://bstewart23.com/blog/2007/09/13/eight-is-more-than-enough/
13. Linda | September 18th, 2007 at 7:50 pm
When my sister finally found the medication that worked for her and was still feeling ashamed about taking medication I asked her if she would be ashamed of taking medication if she was diabetic. Why is this any different? She was a wonderful person before and she’s a wonderful person now. Everytime someone else speaks up about depression and medications it makes it easier for someone else to seek help. Thank you a million times for writing your words.
14. holli | September 21st, 2007 at 10:57 am
It was very brave of you to write of your situation. As you can see, many of us have been there. I remember I was ashamed to ask for help unitl one doctor asked me if I had a heart problem, would I turn down the medication? I had a brain/chemical problem, how was it different? He was right. I have been on and off medication, through different medications, and you must keep trudging onward, as in all of life. We’re all here for you. Knit on.
15. Katherine | September 24th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
I just found your article via a link from the Ravelry group, One Stitch at a Time. I am grateful to you for writing about your experience. Every time someone does this, it makes it more real to the Other People out there who don’t have to deal with this themselves. And it makes us feel not so disconnected.
I know what you mean about Feather & Fan. Eventually, the pattern gets ingrained in your brain and you can even tell whether your knitting looks right.
If you ever try a crocheted ripple afghan again when your brain isn’t up for rocket science, may I suggest having someone else crochet the chain & start the foundation row? Once the foundation row is set, it’s way more easy to see what you’re supposed to do, and the counting is less likely to be a problem. I’ve crocheted about 20 ripple afghans, and only now am I starting to think I might not be as interested as I once was! There is something very soothing about having a pattern that repeats, yet color changes that move it along.
Best of everything,
Katherine
16. Warrior Knitter | September 28th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
I’ve got the same book and I’ve been contemplating the F&F for my first full sized afghan/blanket project. I’m currently knitting a baby blanket using the Leafy Panels pattern on p24. I’m newish to lace knitting and this has whet my lace afghan appetite.
Thanks for the warning. Now I’ll have to decide whether to just “damn the torpedoes” or save my first F&F for a smaller project.
Thanks,
PS: Looking ahead, I do like how yours is turning out.
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