Christmas Is Dead // equivocality

Posted in: Daily Life, Photo/Misc, Thoughts

This used to be my favourite season.

I don’t even know why. Christmas was always about tedious gatherings. Each parental group of friends and family — consisting only of Chinese people — would take turns hosting parties. As one of the “kids”, I was thrust in a room with the other sons and daughters. People I only saw once a year, with whom I had nothing in common. Some years, I’d go to six different houses in two weeks.

My parents would always host New Year’s. Some time ago, with the money I earned from my first job, I bought them a classy fondue set and fondue book for them to use as hosts. They never opened the box, or even cracked the spine of the book. It broke my heart.

The things that people gave me never made things better. Gifts were always safe.

Monetary certificates. Sweaters. Cheap stationary. Nothing personalized. Nothing from the heart. Nothing I ever needed or wanted. It was merely a display of how little people knew or cared about me. It would have meant more if they gave the money to charity.

The one reprieve during the holidays was being able to see Darren, sneaking out in the middle of a party to get stoned with him, or hanging out with John.

Then why did the holidays mean so much to me?

Maybe it was the atmosphere. The snow. The memories of Christmas in Hong Kong. The fact that people who had nothing in common would put up Christmas lights. Something that everyone believed in.

Even though I’ve received some beautiful, thoughtful gifts for once, even though I don’t really celebrate Christmas, I’m down. It’s too warm for the snow to stay. I didn’t buy presents for anyone. I’m working the short week between Christmas weekend and New Year’s weekend because I can’t afford any time off.

I suppose the holidays are what you make of them.

There have been many generous people — Louise, John, Aaron, Joel, Bronwen, Pat — who opened their houses to me today, but it’s not the same.

It’s made me realize that even though I loathed those gatherings back home, I still needed them.

To feel like I was part of something, part of a family, as dysfunctional as it was. Because of the divorce, there’s no home to go to for the first time in my life.

Christmas is dead this year, but it’s only a reflection of how dead I feel inside.

17 comments — Follow the feed

#1 Vi

When I was younger and spending my first years in America, I used to be jealous of families that celebrate Christmas. I wanted a tree, I wanted stockings. I wanted my parents to be happy and together too. Didn’t really care about exchanging presents; that wasn’t important.

Ah welI…I never did get what I wanted. It wasn’t meant to be, I suppose.

#2 Reno

I saw the author speak about that Mao book, and though I haven’t read it myself, it seems like an interesting book from what I’ve seen. There’s a lot to write about Mao, no doubt.
Christmas can be somewhat trying as it’s become somewhat of an ‘invented tradition’ in recent years. A formality which you always assume is being fulfilled more meaningfully by other families.

#3 amy

hey hey

yes, the holidays are totally what you make of them.
In my experience too.
The holidays started sucking when I was in my 20’s, they weren’t the same, my parents divorced too (a second divorce for my mom & us)..broken family….broken holiday dreams

Last year was a NONholiday for me, as it was the first without my mom (she’d died right after xmas the year before)

It remained that way until THIS year!

but I’ll tell ya, not to worry, because as soon as you have your own kids..it all changes
and it’s awesome!
with your own kids, you get to reinvent the holidays, YOU get to create the magic for your child, and as you do..you also create the magic for yourself again too.

it’s pretty neat!
so, no worries scrooge
enjoy your ‘non’ holidays while they last, once you’re married and kids come, its crazy crazy pandemonium
and it’s wonderfully exhausting

so, xmas isn’t DEAD for you, it’s just redefining itself…

cheers,
here’s to dreaming BIG in 2007!!!!

#4 amy

p.s.
wanna REALLY rock your world…in an EQUIVOCAL way ????????
(wink wink)

buy or borrow the book
“Power -vs- Force”
by the renowned David Hawkins

even being uber busy with 2 kidlets I make time for this book, it’s so profound, i just wanna know MORE, hard to put down…
even Mother Theresa agrees…

cheerios, Amy

#5 Jeff

@Vi — I think Christmas is a nice idea, something that we want to believe in. I wouldn’t mind believing in Hanukka myself; eight days of presents.

@Reno — All those good-feeling Christmas movies probably feed the image of the ideal holiday working out in the end. I never would have believed it myself, until I spent it with Shirley last year. It really lifted my spirits, and showed me that there are families out there who don’t have normal relationships, but great ones.

@amy — Sounds like Christmas is another one of those things that can make one feel young again, another way to live vicariously through your kids. You’re right though, the holidays are redefining themselves for me. It seems like I’m doing something different every year.

I looked up “Power-vs-Force”, and it seems like an interesting read if it’s not over my head. Maybe when I’m done the Mao book. I’m still looking for a copy of “What The Bleep Do We Know” in my area.

#6 milo

Meery christams and congrats to 9rules…

#7 Jeff

Thanks.

#8 mrsmogul

Man you just stated how I feel though I can never really say that to family members because they might think I was crazy….dysfunctional christmases…

BLAEH! DITTO !!

#9 Pearl

heh, glad to hear someone else voice the sentiments about being toted around and foisted on once a year strangers and white elephant gifts.

The nearest I figure, we’ve got to remake into something we actually want to participate in.

#10 Pearl

And so far as Xmas being dead, you have to admit it was a long and painful convalesce. RIP.

#11 Xibee

My idea of Christmas was very hard to describe to a Jewish boss of mine. She refused to accept that we were really thinking very much about each other via what presents we got for the others. She thought it was just a big materialistic crock. But in my family it was very thoughtful. We guessed and guessed for months trying to get hints of what would really make that other family member’s day — It was great. But in recent years, I’ve been with Asians and it has really been empty. They have only a slight grasp of it. My ex boyfriend’s family used to buy the gifts on the 24th, wrap them all in separate bedrooms, and open them only an hour before midnight, and then it was just playtime. Not Christmas. Not sacred or togetherness. But, that did happen at lunar New Year, which I now love.

And my recent Korean associations re: Xmas? Oy. No concept. I miss my friends who knew what it meant.

#12 Jeff

@mrsmogul — It’s funny that so many people feel the same way, but don’t have the heart to say it to their families. It’s like a responsibility that we take upon ourselves to keep up the façade.

@Pearl — I think that knowing that we’re not the only ones who share the sentiment makes things easier.

I’m not sure I understand your use of the word convalesce. Can you explain?

@Xibee — Your boss must be one of the more traditional Jews, because I think more modern Jewish families have adapted the tradition from “gelt” (money coins) to presents. It’s sad when people don’t understand the traditions of others. I find it hilarious that your ex-boyfriend would wait until midnight to open the presents, missing the whole (rather innocent) point of trying to fall asleep and waking up early to see what Santa left. It seems so mechanical.

I don’t think the Christmas tradition has been established long enough in the Asian culture, much like Halloween. Not yet at least. I’m sure that my generation and future generations have come to understand what it means and will celebrate with their families. I know I would.

#13 Bean

Meh, holidays schmolidays. 2007 is what’s important. A whole new year of possibility. I hope it’s the one in which you meet your dream girl, the one you can’t live without

Have fun buddy, don’t stop to mourn Christmas…

#14 RennyBA

Here from 25peeps. Sorry you feel this way and I can tell you Christmas is very much alive in Norway - so your welcome over!

#15 Pearl

You were at 25 peeps too? I was apparently up for about a day while I was away.

By convalescence I meant long weakening illness which is entirely wrong use. Bleh. Too quick on my keys.

By the way, like how one can move picture to picture with the next button. Is that a new addition or I had just not moused over the right spot before?

#16 Pearl

Xibee’s family seemed to know how to do it right. Sounds like a fun way to sustain connection and play together as a group.

#17 Jeff

@Bean — I wrote this in a fit of holiday blues, which passed as quickly as they came. It was just a moment of selfishness, not thinking of people who don’t even have their own food to eat, let alone families to be with.

@RennyBA — I’m sure that Christmas is very much alive here in Canada as well, just not for everyone. Thanks for the welcome, I’d love to spend Christmas in another country to see how the culture transcends international boundaries.

@Pearl — The next/prev buttons are a recent upgrade from an image display script I’m using. Don’t worry, you’re not crazy.

And I think Xibee’s family isn’t alone in the sentiment. Through the year, I have people asking me (as the geek at work) about the latest gadgets in preparation of Christmas.