Freak Comics

May Reilly Parker is a kindly old woman. She’s Peter Parker’s Aunt. She’s also old and gross. She’s been alive for far too long and it’s about time she was welcomed by Death’s sweet embrace.
Here are eight reasons why Aunt May must die:

1. Aunt May is unbelievably old
   Aunt May’s first appearance was in Amazing Fantasy #15 along with her Nephew, Peter Parker (Spider-Man). That was way back in 1962. Although I can find no information as to how old she was back then, my guess is she was pushing 70. If this is true, that would mean she’s around 115. That’s really old… disgustingly old actually. Most people are fortunate if they make it past 90. Surely she’s lost control of her bodily functions by now. Death would be a mercy to this decrepit old hag.
2. Aunt May is useless
   Why is Aunt May still alive? She contributes nothing to society. She’s retired and only serves to complicate Peter Parker’s life. Easily swayed by The Bugle’s Anti-Spidey propaganda, she was opposed to Spider-Man for years before finding out Parker was actually her Friendly Neighborhood web-slinging nephew.
3. Aunt May calls pancakes “wheatcakes”
   If that’s not deserving of death, I don’t know what is!
4. Aunt May bleeds Spider-Man dry… literally!
   Peter Parker is constantly on the hunt for money to support himself and his Aunt. But money isn’t the only thing Aunt May consumes in mass quantities… she also saps Parker’s blood like a fat kid saps a milk shake! That’s right… Parker has saved May from certain death not once, but twice by letting her leach his precious spider-blood.
5. Peter Parker is oddly obsessed with his Aunt May
   Ever since Aunt May took a bullet, Spider-Man has been running around in his black costume breaking laws and bad guy’s bones. Although I like the duds, I’m sick of his attitude. Aunt May has Spider-Man behaving like a rampaging little brat who just found out Mommy threw away his favorite toy. The only way Parker will ever become a man is if Aunt May kicks the bucket.
6. Aunt May is a traitor
   Doctor Octopus is Spider-Man’s archenemy. Aunt May dated and was engaged to him. Although this engagement fell through it can only be assumed that May is now an enemy of justice. She must be considered hostile and should be shot on sight.
7. Aunt May was a terrible guardian
   Although May attempted to keep a close watch on young Peter Parker, she failed miserably. She let Peter get a little too friendly with his old friend Skip… and well, Read the rest for yourself.
8. Aunt May is a hideous creature of the night
   Aunt May dies every so often, only to return to life. As we all know, laws of nature state: once you’re dead, you need to stay dead, or else you’re an undead. This means Aunt May is either a Zombie or a Vampire. I’ve never seen Aunt May walk around eating the flesh of the living, although this could be due to a lack of teeth. My guess is that she’s actually a vampire. This is partially based on her constant draining of Peter’s blood (see above) just to sustain her own pitiful life. A boomstick ain’t gonna keep this old biddy down. Blade needs to drive a nice big wooden stake in to her heart, chop off her head, and stuff her mouth with garlic.