August 7th, 2007

A Business Letter To My Parents

by The Centaur

Dear Mom and Dad:

If you recall, in the summer of 2006, I gave you a total of $30 to cover gas expenses in exchange for unlimited use of your jet skis. These contributions were given on two separate occasions, one in the amount of $20 and the other for $10. In neither instance was I given a receipt.

While no formal method of accounting was ever agreed upon, I assumed that my jet ski usage was essentially prepaid not only through 2006, but through 2007 as well, and possibly covered into the beginning of 2008. You can imagine my dismay when I learned that you sold your jet skis two weeks ago.

Since then, I have been patiently waiting for the remaining balance of my jet ski gasoline contribution to be refunded.

To further complicate matters, I was never provided monthly statements showing the accrual of my jet ski usage along with the corresponding deductions to the gasoline fund. Because of this, I do not have a firm dollar figure on what my balance should be.

To remedy this, I estimated my account value utilizing the most fair and prudent assumptions possible. Using the highest possible gas price in 2006, and rounding up my hourly usage, I feel that the absolute minimum my account value should be is $7.32. As a gesture of good-faith, I am willing to settle on this amount, even though my actual balance could be well in excess of eight or nine dollars.

I believe this to be a very fair compromise. My family and I have very much enjoyed visits to your lake place in the summer, and we hope that this matter can be addressed expeditiously. Please find enclosed a self-addressed stamped envelope. And as a further courtesy, we would prefer a money order to a personal check.

Thank you for your consideration,
Centaur

11 Responses to “A Business Letter To My Parents”

Daniel Nicolas
08/07/2007

Hilarious! I love how it’s all for less than $10 bucks

Ken Ring
08/07/2007

After viewing your account,I have found your balance to actually be $7.35. A check was mailed on July 10, 2007. Also, I have noticed that your share of the recycled beer can fund was $1424.19, which was included in the aforementioned remittance.

Sincerely, your dad

Ann
08/08/2007

“Dear son,

Your mother and I are perfectly aware of this issue and would like to point out that since there were no papers signed or verbal agreement spoken we are free to use the remaining pot to cover the other expenses related to your visits to the lake property. These include, but are not limited to:

Fending off wild-life psychologists who claim that your ill-mannered usage of the jet skis creates a context in which they have a right on scientific ground to conduct research in the immediate area of the lake property. (As it has been pointed out by your mother that I have a part in this by my subdued but more frequent usage of the jet skis as well we have settled on a percentage of your pot to be used, resulting in the amount of $1,25)

Cleaning the jet skis from mud and other bodily transferred dirt placed on it and the surfaces around it by you and your family during the aforementioned usage. As you know these vehicles should be treated with the same respect as every other possession and we opted to use quality brand cleaning agents and utensils and have thus deducted from your pot an additional $1,15.

It also seems the cleaning is not limited at all to the vehicle in use but also to the physical attributes of the user. We thus feel ourselves forced to deduct $2 for the exaggerated usage of detergent, soap and shampoo removed from the lake property and its storage capacities.

As you and your family have placed yourselves in a situation where you end up using supplies from the lake property to remedy ailments and broken property it was decided to deduct an additional $4 from the pot to cover the significantly decimated stash of needle and thread, band aids, ear plugs and pain killers.

As the total of this non-exhaustive list well exceeds the total of your calculated remainder your mother and I expect you to respect the fact that no transaction will take place. Furthermore, while one could argue we have earlier passed up the possibility to claim the fed-you-till-you-left-home and carried-you-in-womb-for-nine-months clauses we consider that particular contract broken the moment you renegotiated this partnership. We estimate this to have taken place the moment you took up this hobby of yours and decided to study finances.

We expect to see you and your family for dinner on the 14th. And you will eat the broccoli this time.

Your mother sends her love,
Dad”

Krusty
08/10/2007

Classic,

I would hate to know what my bill is for staying at the Ring Inn. Although I may have a share of that beer can fund. I’m pretty sure I have put plenty of cans in the bin.

The Centaur
08/14/2007

I’m pleased to announce there may be a resolution:

After repeated inquiries on this matter, my parents opted to buy a new jet ski. Being magnanimous as I am, I am donating my gasoline credit towards the purchase.

the sheriff
08/15/2007

I’m really surprised that you have paid off the 5.4 million debt owed for the diaper changing when you were a young pup. Not to mention the present value of items charlie and his new younger sibling will break on in the grandpa and grandma ring house… :)

solo
08/17/2007

how bout the time when you almost burned the house down by putting a emtpy pizza box on top of the fire place. that could’ve been costly. sorry about bringing it up, but it just came to me.

ken
08/17/2007

Who is Ann? I could read her comments all night long, it sounds like she’s your mother! But as I recall, I’m pretty sure your mother is named Cheryl. But, Ann must have children, because she certainly knows you!
Your dad again, Ken

P.S.

Krusty, I probably do owe you some recycling money from your beer bottles, let’s keep in touch.

Jonathon, what is this about a pizza box? This is news to me. Why are the parents always the last to know?

solo
08/27/2007

yup, he almost burnt the whole house down. we told you when you came home. you laughed.

Petros
08/30/2007

I really loved this. They should send you the money order and a bill for at least 200.000 for raising you up.

Layla
03/20/2008

That property is gorgeous. It’s hard to find nice lake front property for a reasonable price anymore.

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