There’s a common misunderstanding that rapport is all about getting the other person to like you. While that is often a nice effect of having rapport, it is not the core of rapport at all.
What rapport is, is this:
Rapport means you demonstrate understanding of the other person’s model of the world.
It has nothing to do with the other person liking you (at first).
Haven’t you ever talked to a good friend about something dear to you and end up frustrated because they didn’t get it? They obviously still love you, so what’s up? At the same time, don’t you love it when you meet someone for the very first time and you just click, with her getting every single thing you say?
Milton Erickson, the father of modern hypnotherapy, has a more extreme example. Paraphrasing the story, he had a distraught client come in one day, telling Milton her life was over because she was fat, ugly and no-one in her right mind would ever love her (believing in this belief spiraled in on her, the day she came into Milton’s office she was disheveled, her hair was unkept, and she wore a glaring polka-dot dress).
Rather than making soothing noises about how that’s not true, Milton told her straight in the face how he agreed that she was fat and ugly, and not only that, he began to outline the unattractive things about herself that she had missed telling him.
Was Milton being a complete asshole?
Months later, when that girl made a complete turn-around, she had this to say about that first interview with Milton that started it all. She said that Milton was the only person in her life who ever really got what she was saying and because of that, she knew she could trust Milton’s judgement. And that was what got her listening to Milton, because he knew where she was coming from and therefore must know how to help her.
Milton was building rapport in an exquisitely flexible way.
Now, I’m telling you this story not to tell you to go out there, and agree with everyone who tells you they’re ugly that, yes, they are in fact hideous! It’s an extreme example, and Milton knew exactly what he was doing in the precise things he said to her to build rapport with her without attacking her self-esteem. That is itself another level of strategic communication which I won’t go into here.
But I wanted to impress upon you the big difference between understanding and being liked. Telling someone they are pig ugly does not make them like you. But Milton was demonstrating to her that he understood her model of the world, which is another name for her map of the territory mentioned in Your Map is in my Territory post, and therefore he knew what she was talking about.
Building understanding and demonstrating it is the essence of rapport, and being liked for it is the reward. And notice that it’s not only about saying you understand the other person’s model of the world, you demonstrate it. If someone tells you respect is when you’re punctual with them, and you say you get it but keep going late, that person is not going to believe you understand them.
‘But, Alvin, what if someone says something that I don’t agree with? Are you telling me to lie by agreeing with him?’
Nope, I’m not telling you to lie. I’m suggesting that you be willing enough to expand your model of the world to include theirs and see, hear and feel things from their position. Your Map is in my Territory remember? If you do that, does your own point of view disappear? No, it’s still there! And when you do choose to come back to your own point of view, you’ll have expanded and enriched your own model of the world with an additional viewpoint.
Here is a very important key I want to give you:
To build rapport you don’t have to like or agree to the other person’s model of the world, but you have to at least understand it.
Remember, if you cannot be more flexible in your model than the other person, than you can neither lead yourself or the other person into somewhere new.
December 22nd, 2005 at 8:31 am
One of the 7 habits is “Seek first to understand then to be understood” and “Rapport” bases on this emotional state called “SYMPATHY”
That’s one of leadership quality you must have.
How to practice “Sympathy”? wait for my next post
coming soon !!!
PS: Richard Bandler has mentioned in his recently seminar that “Rapport is not about getting other people to trust you, but it is about getting the person to trust themselves”
PPS: Btw, that wasn’t Richard’s exact phase, You know how is it going to sound like when he uses vulgarity here and there.
December 22nd, 2005 at 11:58 am
From the dictionary:
1.
1. A relationship or an affinity between people or things in which whatever affects one correspondingly affects the other.
2. Mutual understanding or affection arising from this relationship or affinity.
2.
1. The act or power of sharing the feelings of another.
2. A feeling or an expression of pity or sorrow for the distress of another; compassion or commiseration. Often used in the plural. See Synonyms at pity.
3. Harmonious agreement; accord: He is in sympathy with their beliefs.
4. A feeling of loyalty; allegiance. Often used in the plural: His sympathies lie with his family.
5. Physiology. A relation between parts or organs by which a disease or disorder in one induces an effect in the other.
P.S. I can imagine how Richard would say it
December 23rd, 2005 at 3:40 am
Haha I almost forgot this case-study of MHE (Milton H Erikson). That’s one hell of a provocative approach and it was the exquisite rapport that he built with the lady that seals it all.
MHE always have the belief that all his clients have “done all they possibly could” before coming to him and he is aware that most people was actually BREAKING RAPPORT with the woman in the case when they responded in the opposite direction how she is describing herself.
IMO, MHE saw the highest positive intention for the lady (the fact she was attracting attention to herself with that hideous polka-dotted green dress) was for people around her to be CONGRUENT with how she views herself in her MOW (model of the world aka Map of her Territory) even though it’s a twisted form of acceptance that she craved.
It was a paradoxical intention on her part and Milton expanded his MOW to include hers and once the idea of acceptance is established, she found that she can start the process of change when she cannot previously do so.